On The Tenth Day Of Christmas
All Sharp Objects Will Be Confiscated At The Door
On the tenth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Ten lords a-leaping,
Nine ladies dancing,
Eight maids a-milking,
Seven swans a-swimming,
Six geese a-laying,
Five golden rings,
Four calling birds,
Three French hens,
Two turtle doves,
And a partridge in a pear tree.
Who has an allergy attack during the dead of winter- when there is snow on the ground and nothing has blossomed or bloomed- in months?
Why me of course.
I was always coming down with something either on Christmas Eve (mumps age 6) or Christmas Day (chicken pox age 10). That’s to say nothing of the sprained ankles from falling out of trees and sliding off roof tops (hey, if you can figure out how to get around on those things when they’re covered with ice and snow feel free to share it with the rest of us) around Thanksgiving.
So just before Christmas at age 28 I’m in my kitchen making a snack for my kids and their cousins were visiting for the afternoon.
I had decided on apple slices and caramel dip.
I’m a great fan of this caramel sauce that you can dip fruit into and I was perfectly willing to bust into my secret stash because I figured if the kids were eating this caramel and apple snack they wouldn’t be able to talk and I could have a little peace and quiet.
Actually, at this point in the day I would have settled for one or the other.
Anyway, I was slicing up the apple when I sneezed- and then my eyes started to itch and I started sneezing some more and couldn’t stop. It came on so fast that I never even had the chance to turn my head.
So I ended up sneezing all over the apple slices
Brother.
I look around, take the cutting board with the apples slices on it and rinse it under the faucet- and while the water is running I decided to take an allergy pill.
When I’m done I turn around with the cutting board and nearly walk into one of the little cousins who tell me, ” My Mom says I’m not allowed to eat the skin off the apples. So you have to cut it off.”
” Why? ” I ask.
” Because it’s easy for kids to choke on apple skins.”
I’ll be darned- ” I did not know that. ” I told him.
” It’s true so you HAVE to cut off the skin.”
And he starts to dance around my kitchen chanting ‘ cut off the skin.’
Well he’s making so much noise that the other kids rush into the kitchen and before I know it I have this mob of 6-8 year old boys waving their arms around and chanting ‘ cut off the skin, cut off the skin’
It was about then that the allergy medicine kicked in- it was this stuff that you could get from the doctor that didn’t make you sleepy the way allergy medicine did. One of the more interesting ( but rare ) side effects was that it could jack your heart rate up enough to make your teeth rattle and that’s what it did to me.
So I was a little distracted and that’s probably why the knife slipped while I was peeling the apple skin and I sliced open my finger from my palm all the way to the tip.
I held my hand up and blood just sort of poured from my hand all the way down my arm to my elbow. Look, I was a mortician I wasn’t used to seeing active bleeding so I held my hand up, looked into the cut and determined I was in trouble.
But who was in the next room playing video games and had just come back from his final first aid classes that very morning?
A family member- a family member who knew what to do with actual bleeding…and lots of it- he had shown us the certificate to prove it.
I sent one of the kids to get their Uncle and he walked out took one look at my cut and his eyes rolled up into his head and he fainted.
He didn’t just faint he whacked his head but good on the kitchen counter before he hit the floor and that kathunk noise he made?
That wasn’t good.
You know what else isn’t good?
Having your family pull up to your house where their kids are and there’s a fire truck an aid car and an ambulance all lined up just waiting to do their duty.
One of my family members rushes in and wants to know what happened and I hold up my finger.
” All of this for that?” she asks.
Just then they wheel my Hero out on the stretcher and his head is encased in this brace that looks like a big yellow block with blue Velcro straps.
I knew he was pretending to be unconscious when they went by.
All I can think to say is ” I got the turkey in.” I point to the oven.
” Plus she cut the skin off our apples because you can choke to death on that you know.” says one of the kids.
From this crowd of people my Sister asks slowly, ” did you stuff the turkey with that? ” she points to my finger.
” No I used my feet. “
The silence was deafening
I had to drive myself to the hospital.
LOLOLOLOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thanks for getting me out of a blue funk this evening. This is good.. really, really good.
All I can say is you are a champion, Anita Marie!! 😉
This would make a perfect routine on stage A.M. You are absolutely hilarious. That final comment about the feet cracked me up totally.
Snicker, snort, chortle….Thank you for the funny start to another work week, Anita Marie!
Ah, memories…